Trust

Every notice how much we take trust for granted? I boldly sit in a chair 99% of the time without considering whether or not it will hold me. I trust that my car will crank when I get in, and that the food I eat won't kill me.

HOWEVER . . . . There are other times when trust is SO HARD to muster. My hair is one of those times. What is it with women and our hair?

For me, it's been bad experiences. Back in college, I let someone give me a "body wave." Because I have naturally curly hair, I looked like a poodle for a year. One stylist gave me an "edgy" cut that was asymmetric. I looked like an unravelling beach ball or a Chia pet. My face is too round for a really short haircut.

I want the cut to be flattering, and the color to be right. Yet, because I'm poor (seminary, you know) and cheap, I've settled for "not-so-bad-do-it-yourself" color. Problem is that I've reached the age where I'm having some "graying" issues. So, I stepped out and let someone do it for me. Someone I'd never met before, no less. Granted, he came recommended. But still! That's HARD . . . to just say, here's what I'd like, fix it.

But fix it I did. I got the works: cut and color. You see the results on my profile picture. I'm very pleased! [For those in the Gadsden area, I highly recommend Glean (pronounced Glen) at The Moxie Salon.]

Ask me later whether Joseph likes the color -- he's very much a "blonde" man. We're still in the blonde family, but much darker.

Sometimes trust works out alright. ;-)

Quitting

Am I the only person who's ever wanted to quit? Just quit. Go to the house. Stop trying. Stop taking responsibility. Give up. Surrender. Sit down and be done.

I confess that's how I'm feeling right now. Sunday, I quoted the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland: "It takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!" In my mind echoed Ecclesiastes:

"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly
meaningless! Everything is meaningless." What does humankind gain from
all his or her labor under the sun? . . . Yet when I surveyed all
that my hands had done and what I had toiled to achieve, everything
was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the
sun.

This isn't just being tired. Nor is it impending burnout. Those possibilities have already been examined. This is more than that, something a little deeper--a questioning of purpose and personality. Despite my desire to hide it, I have a competitive and controlling personality. Oh, how very carefully I must examine myself to be sure that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and not trying to out-do someone else! Now THAT is a painful, ego-impacting thing to admit.

Ecclesiastes also says: "I know that there is nothing better for humans than to be happy and do good while they live. . . and find satisfaction in all his or her toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever." Hmmm. That has my mind has been contemplating questions like:

• Am I on the right path?
• Does God call you to something that will destroy your health, your marriage, your family and your sense of well-being?
• Can you be on the right path, but at the wrong pace?
• Can you be on the right path for the wrong reason? And if so, does it matter?

It would be delightful if I could say that this was an issue with which I struggled--as in past tense--and now, having discovered all the wisdom, I can share. However, I'm still working through it. I know some of the answers . . . as do you, I'm sure. But how does live this out in our lives?

Not trying to depress you on a beautiful fall Wednesday morning, but I did resolve two posts ago, to share from my heart. This is where I am on the journey. Where are you?

Cats!

Back in the summer, we added a cat to our family--thanks to Andrew's friend, Coleton. Tommy is a precious adorable little guy. But with one bad habit: he pees on things. GRRR!! We've tried everything! He has an automatic scooping litter pan, with premium non-scented clumping litter. We change the tray every day. We've moved it away from the washing machine and dryer (of which some cats are apparently afraid). It's not hear his food, and it IS in a private place. We've used an enzyme cleaner to clean things he has soiled--a pile of clean laundry and my down comforter are his favorites, apparently. NOTHING HAS WORKED! I'm so frustrated with him.

So I relocated him---outside. Unfortunately (or fortunately, as the case may be) Tommy is completely unaware that it's a punishment. He loves it outside! Poor Pepper (our rat terrier mix) hates the idea. Tommy jumps on her every chance he gets. Right now, the grass, even when damp with dew in the mornings, is incredibly interesting. It's a great adventure! Maybe it will all work out for the best. At least everything I own won't smell like cat pee.

You gotta love cats, even when they make you crazy.

more animals

Jeff Deyo -- Love of God

This video just makes me smile.

Hello Again

Yep, it's me . . . actually writing a blog entry. It's been a long time, and much has happened. Perhaps I'll fill you in on what's been going on in future posts. For now, here's the brief version:

• Dad had 5 trips to the ER in 30 days, two that resulted in admission;
• We moved him from a senior citizen's apartment to an assisted living facility because he preferred that over moving in with me;
• I was appointed to a new church--Gadsden First United Methodist--much closer to home. Leaving Ebenezer and Hebron was excruciatingly painful, making me question whether I'm cut out for this pastoring thing. But soon I was engrossed in my responsibilities at GFUMC and began learning to love the people there. I continue to hold Ebenezer and Hebron in my heart, to hold them up in my prayers, but our family is thriving and growing at our new church, and that, I believe, is the lesson to be learned by itinerant clergy.
• Made 3 trips to Asbury's Kentucky campus for seminary classes. I had registered for these before I knew I was transferring church, so it made my summer schedule WILD!

Ok. There it is. The short version. So if I said that I hadn't been blogging because things had been busy, that wouldn't be untrue. However, it wouldn't be the real reason I haven't been blogging. The reason I haven't been blogging . . . well . . . is that it's HARD. It's hard for me to put my feeling and thoughts out here for everyone to see. When things get stressful, when I get knotted up, my instinct is to withdraw.

The bottom line is that I've been scared. I was scared that I was going to lose my Dad. I was scared that I couldn't handle the things that GFUMC wanted me to do. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to relate and get to know the young people there. I was scared of how I would do in on-campus classes, and of going where I knew no one.

And then, this morning, I received word that a fellow clergywoman's husband had passed away. They were a clergy couple (meaning that both of them were clergy), and he was in my licensing school class. She was my roommate at a recent Emmaus Walk. He was just diagnosed with a cancerous tumor in August, and now he's gone. I can.not.imagine. May the Comforter hold her and their family tightly in the upcoming days!

And in a flash, a lightbulb went off in my head: Not saying it doesn't stop that which you dread from happening. But saying them just might let others support you when it does.

So . . . I will try again, to post here and share. I will try to share from my heart and not from my head. I will trust that those who read do so for curiosity, or interest, or because we share a love and support of one another.

[There's much more to say on many of these topics. But they're for another day. :-) Meanwhile, I may post a silly video. BTW, my goal is 3 posts a week. That sounds reasonable, doesn't it?]