Authenticity and Wounding Words

This week has been a difficult week for me. Besides the usual challenges of getting back into out post-holiday routine, I unexpectedly ran into someone I used to know. What ensued was a difficult and painful (though probably inevitable) conversation, during which the other person said many very hurtful things to me, including calling me a liar and fake. The words were wounding. They stung like the sting of a 1000 wasps, and cut me to the bone. With mind spinning, I grappled with how to regain my equilibrium. This struggle has led me to a several day contemplation of the issues of the power of words and authenticity, some of which I thought I might share, in hopes it helps someone else as well.

Growing up, we hear the phrase “sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Yet, this isn’t true at all. Physical blows inflict physical wounds on our bodies. While verbal blows may leave no physical scars, they wound our hearts and crush our spirits. There is a connection between words and our physical state. Proverbs 12:25 says a kind word cheers up the heart of an anxious person, and 15:30 says good news gives health to the bones. Positive words can make us feel physically better, elated and joyful; harsh words can make us feel physically ill and depressed. This must be why James instructs to get a grip on our tongues (3:3-12)!

There are two lessons here. First, we must watch our own mouths. Our words can be weapons or soothing balm. Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam (Proverbs 17:11). I’m moving out of the way of THAT! This must be why the psalmist asks God to set a guard over his mouth, and stand guard over the door of his lips (141:4) -- to prevent his being swept away in the deluge. How we will we use our words? Second, we must guard our hearts. Sometimes people will maliciously and intentionally use their words to hurt. Others will do it unintentionally. They're just reflexively biting -- lashing out at whoever gets in their pain because they are in pain. On yet other occasions, their words – however harshly delivered – are true. Ouch! If we are guarding our heart, we will be able to discern in which of these situations we have found ourselves.

And if any deceit is found in our heart, we must seek to be more authentic. Authenticity is a “buzz” word in our society. For all the talk ABOUT it, there seems to be very little OF it. One of the surest signs of maturity and confidence is consistency. When we know with certainty who we are, we are not tentative about how we ought to behave, and find behaving accordingly an achievable expectation. In other words, we do the right thing all the time. Reputation is who everyone thinks we are, and character is what we truly are, even when no one else is looking. Oh, how important it is that we are authentic! Character truly does count. Chinks in our character, even those momentary stumbles, have long-lasting and far-reaching implications in our lives. We may never convince some people that we have changed, that we now have character, that we are now living authentically, that the temporary stumble they observed does not represent who we truly are. This is the consequence of our lack of authenticity. Yet, we know that people (ALL people, even those we don’t think can, and even US) truly can change! And it’s never too soon or too late to do so! Don’t be angry with those who don’t believe us. Until someone has experienced the transforming work of God, it is difficult to understand how “the old has gone, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). We will not win this debate with words. Only by living our lives, consistently, authentically will we convince our skeptics. Our actions will speak louder than any words.

May we not wound others with our words.
May our hearts be healed from the wounds others’ words have inflicted.
May we be authentic!